|
One-liners
Madness takes its
toll--please have exact change ready.
Out of
my mind, back in five minutes.
Psychiatrist
to his nurse: "Please just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying "It's
a madhouse in here!"
My reality
check bounced!
What
do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?" "You're fine, how
am I? "
I feel
like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
On the
keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
"Sometimes
I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
Hypochondria
is the only illness that I don't have.
l don't
suffer from insanity,
I enjoy every minute of it!
Of course
I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
What
kind of camera do manic-depressives use? Answer: Bipolaroids!
Hand
over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.
Patient:
Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything
I say.
Psychiatrist: So?
|
|
 Neurotics
build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
One out
of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
Therapy
is expensive,
popping bubble wrap is cheap!
Click to pop
some bubble wrap now
Memory
Problems
How
many psychologists does it take...?
Signs
you might be bipolar
Doctor,
doctor!
Q
and A about HMOs
Classroom
diagnosis
Diagnosis:
NPD: Normal Person Disorder
Mysterious
symptoms
Memory problems
Two elderly couples
were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
technique - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for
me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank.
He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across
his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long
stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of
that clinic?"
How many psychologists
does it take to change a light bulb?
- Just one, but the
light has to really want to change.
- Just One. And his
mother.
- Just one, but it
takes nine visits.
- The light bulb
will change itself when it's ready.
- Why should the
light bulb necessarily HAVE to change? Why can't it be happy the way
it is?
- "How many do you
think it takes?"
- "How long have
you been having this fantasy?"
Signs you might be bipolar
- The sun is too
loud.
- You can see individual
air molecules vibrating.
- You wonder if brewing
is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
- You say the same
sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
- You believe that
if you think hard enough, you can fly.
- You can achieve
a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
- Things become "Very
Clear."
- You ask the drive-through
attendant if you can get your order to go.
- You say the same
sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
- The less sense
matter and matter is more than sense.
- You keep yelling
"STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in
the room.
- You believe that
people are speaking to you in binary code.
- You say the same
sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
- You're okay with
losing your mind, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like
losing your best friend.
- You discover the
aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
- You say the same
sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
Doctor, doctor!
Doctor,
doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor,
doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm
blank!
And how long have you had this problem?
What problem?
Questions and answers about HMOs
Q. I just joined an
HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating
in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who
are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are
no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who
is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's
drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Classroom diagnosis
The psychology instructor
had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a
patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one
minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Diagnostic criteria for NPD: Normal Person Disorder
1. A chronic feeling of normalness.
2. A tendency to bore others easily.
3. A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal.
4. Lack of difficulty getting organized.
5. Inability to be humorous.
6. Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to.
7. An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly
by.
8. An unbroken remote control.
9. A To-Do list that gets done.
10. A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than a
week:
a:) Job
b:) Relationship
c:) Schedule
d:) Patience
e:) Passing Grades
f:) Sex
Mysterious symptoms
The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give
him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in
her knitting.
I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right through
me and started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"
I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness.
"How long has this been going on?" I asked his mother.
Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front
of his television."
(Isaac Steven Herschkopf,
MD, in The New York Times)
More
articles
Page
updated May 2008
|
|
