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In the quiet left behind after the departure of the last or only child, it's natural for parents, especially mothers, to grieve. The routine of the household and, to a degree, the personal identity of the parent is drastically and forever altered.

While not a true psychiatric diagnosis, the symptoms of empty nest syndrome can be similar to those of depression and can become painful and disabling enough to require medical help. If you're feeling so sad from the loss of children moving out that you're experiencing significant changes in your moods and health, or if it lasts beyond a few weeks, you should talk to your doctor who can evaluate your needs.

Mothers tend to struggle more with their grief than fathers. You are more likely to have been the primary caregiver, even if you were a working mother. And your sense of self-worth was more likely linked to your role as a mother. For either parent, the separation from their children is very painful. Unlike the support and sympathy given by others when a parent grieves the death of a loved one, this grief is often disregarded and misunderstood. After all, aren't we supposed to be happy about our child growing up and moving forward?

Sometimes empty nest syndrome is compounded by other stressful life changes happening at the same time, such as retirement or menopause.

"From the sandbox to the senior prom, they've been my life," said Barbara S., of Colorado Springs. "Now that they're gone, there's a huge hole — in my time, in my heart, in my life. Every day, I ask myself, "What do I do now?"

What can make the transition easier?
Most parents will establish a new kind of relationship with their now-adult child, renew their relationship with each other after years of sharing the household with children and come to enjoy their new freedom. Over time, most parents adapt to their new lifestyle. Psychologists suggest that it may take between 18 months and two years to transition.

Here are some things you can do to fill the empty space and launch your new life:

• Take time to reflect on the good job you did of raising this child to adulthood.
• Acknowledge your grief (even if you feel that no one else seems to understand) and allow yourself to feel upset for awhile. Then find something distracting to do.

• Volunteer, take a class, find a new hobby or pick up an old one, join a group, keep a journal.
• Prepare and send "care packages" - food items, homemade cookies, things for the new dorm or apartment. You'll feel needed and your young person will appreciate it.
• Get support: When you're feeling sad and lonely, seek advice and support from friends or your minister.
• Take care of yourself with a healthy diet and regular exercise.
• You're alone with your spouse now for the first time in two decades. Take a trip or get involved in a new activity together. Rekindle the intimacy you enjoyed before you became parents.
• Spend some time updating a photo album, creating a scrapbook or crafting a collage to hang on your child's bedroom wall. Use the activity to remember happy times.
• Schedule a weekly chat with your child on the phone.
• Create a ritual to mark the significance of this transition in your family. Plant a tree or create a special garden area.
• Don't make any major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, until you've had some time to adjust to your new lifestyle.

Is it empty nest syndrome or depression?
Events such as a major loss or change may trigger episodes of depression. Learn the symptoms of depression. If you have been experiencing four or more of these symptoms for longer than two weeks, call your doctor. Treatment, which is highly effective, may include medications and/or psychotherapy.

Related articles
Symptoms of depression
Coping with grief and loss
Take time out for you
Post-traumatic stress disorder

More articles

Sources
Path Partners
Australian Psychological Society
Psychology Today
U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services/Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration